Show Me How To Live

I feel dead inside.
Like, emotionally drained.
To the point of physical exhaustion.
I'm also sick of feeling this way.
I'm sick of the crying.
I'm sick of the panic attacks.
I'm sick of lying awake, wishing impossible things.
Ugh...
I want to be irrationally happy again.
I want to feel at ease meeting people.
I don't want these random bursts of anger.
I feel like tearing my hair out.
And throwing text books everywhere.
Also doesn't help that someone decided it was their place to spread secrets and lies.
I swear, I'm gonna explode.
I really don't know what to do.
Like, I wanna scream, cry, yell, break stuff, laugh manically, destroy everything...
But I don't want to be upset anymore.
I want to be strong and all that.
I want to get over EVERYTHING.
And live my life happy.
I would also like to be able to at least push this crush to the back of my mind.
She's sweet and it's nothing against her, but I am more than aware that nothing will become of it ever due to circumstances.
I am pretty useless at the moment.
Wallowing in self-pity.
I really just want everything sorted.
Because then I can finally relax.

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45

This is bad.
I'm having daily panic attacks.
I feel on edge constantly.
I shake almost non stop with pent up anxiety.
How the hell am I supposed to survive another five years?
I'm gonna break into pieces.
I want help.
I want people to talk to me and treat me normal and accept the fact that I suck at talking but it doesn't mean I want to be alone...
Or ignored...
Or forgotten...
I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of a gun.
I'm terrified of anything going wrong.
God, I get nervous even considering it...
I really don't know what to do.
What do I do?
I really just want to talk to people and have friends and laugh and hang out and shit.
But I can't cause I'm terrified of everything.
And I feel like I'm not noticed.
I feel like I'm in the background.
Please, I just want to be included...
Accepted...
I know I'm not popular, I'm not "pretty", I'm not anything...
But I care.
And I'm loyal to a fault.
I would do anything for anyone I call a friend.
Even if they wouldn't.
I like seeing people happy, I like to make someone smile.
I care.
I do.
I promise I do.

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Headspin

I'm feeling nostalgic.
I'm also wondering why my life isn't simpler.
Heh...
I miss simpler decisions.
I miss how laughter came without hesitation.
I miss how making friends was as easy as saying hi.
How problems could be solved with a sorry and a smile.
Why must we complicate things?
Why is life complicated?
I have so many questions that will go unanswered, so many feelings that will go unknown, opinions that won't be heard.
I want to go back to when I didn't have questions.
When everything was a mystery and I couldn't care less.
But now I have stuff to sort out, straighten out.
Why do feelings have to hurt?
Why do you make my head spin?
You don't know it and you never will, but you make my head spin.
It'd be some much easier if I hadn't felt anything in the first place.
It was a mistake.
Coz, like I'd thought, I got confused and it hurt.
Confusion hurts.
It makes me ache.
I need certainty.
I want to tell you in person, for some reason.
But I can't.
I'm too anxious about doing that.
So I'm pretty much dragging myself over it.
I know I'll get there and this will one day be a distant memory.
But I wish that one day was now.
Why can't I make up my goddamn mind...
About telling you...
So I can get it off my chest...
I don't expect anything out of it except closure for me...
It'd be so much easier to toss aside...
But my wall gets in the way...
This is all making my head spin.

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Meet The Monster

Ever known someone whose very existence is the equivalent of fingernails on a chalk board?
But you can't be open about it because of reasons?
Yeah, I'm currently feeling those feelings.
I'm sick of people talking terrible stuff about others around me and then expecting me to act all ok and then they go and lead the person they were just talking shit about on and its just the worst...
Also, I'm sick of people not, you know, accepting the fact that, actually, maybe THEY are the screw up.
Some people need a bit of a reality check, if you ask me.
Sure, people whine, gossip and complain, but you don't talk about how "over someones shit you are" then blame everything on them and then just grrrrrr...
Mad feelings.
I want to hit something.
Badly.
Maybe the sack in a bit, kinda tired.
But currently, I want to do some lashing out.
I feel like I'm gonna explode.
Or have a panic attack.
Or both.
On a more pleasant note, have you ever met someone and your just like "omg please talk more often you're so awesome :O :D" but they are all silent and shy and it makes you sad?
And your just like "no, have cuddle and smile, you're cool, please smile and be happy"
I wish everyone could see themselves how everyone else does.
It'd fix everything because people would realize that they are actually awesome or actually assholes.
And then we could all be happy knowing we are actually all assholes :)
In our own way.
But people will be able to fix the assholery that hurts others and we can all be mutually assholeish.
Those are actually words, btw, I know, like, half the English language :)

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Welcome Home

So, everything seems to be leveling out.
Finally.
I might be able to get out of this dark space.
I'm just worried about these panic attacks.
They used to be few and far between but I've had two just recently.
Withing 24 hours of each other.
I literally woke up and then freaked out for no reason.
I just couldn't stop.
As it stands, I'm gonna take it as a freak thing and move away from it, but it still has me slightly worried.
Anxiety is a bad enough burden without constant panic attacks.
But I'm alive now.
I guess that's what matters.
My terrible crush on Mystery Person is still hanging around, but I guess it's gonna be something I have to live with.
Don't get me wrong, it can be frustrating, but I think I'll live.
I think that I'm getting past being angry but now I have some raw anxiety to deal with.
And with exams coming, it looks like it could just get worse...
I'm not doing well at all...
I'm really not motivated...
I'm trying to push through, trying to reach my goals, but I'm lacking motivation right now...
Which I really need...
Motivation and Inspiration...
And more tattoos.
Definitely.
Absolutly.
For me and for other people.
Right now, though, I'm bored and need SOMETHING to entertain me.
Meh.
Well, guess I could sleep.
Or draw.
Or run around like a mad cat.
It's nearly 3 am so it's the right time for the cat one.
I'd rather not wake people up though.
That's just mean.

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Everything Burns

So, its been a while.
Feels like forever.
Literally.
I'm trying to get my head in order.
But with all this testing and the like, its so very hard.
What more could be wrong with me?
Half the time its all in my head and the other half, its mysterious and no one can pinpoint it...
Can I get a straight answer?
For Gods sake, even just saying 'Sorry, its cancer' would be better than 'Oh this is strange...'
*angry noises*
Anxiety doesn't help...




I feel like I'm walking on egg shells.
I try to be careful with what I say because I don't want to offend or annoy anyone.
But I constantly feel like people are offended or annoyed...
I apologise constantly because I don't know what else to do...
And if I do something I think is wrong, I feel guilty for days...
And then there is this crush...
Goddammit I wish I could just get over it...
But the cute smile and the laugh and the stuff and the things...
Blergh...
Head, please stop now...
I'm confused enough, just give me a moment of clarity...
Please?
Is that too much to ask?
Sorry, how about just make something make sense.
Or how about delete that file called "Feelings and Emotions" for a while?
Sure, being happy is excellent and all, but right now, confusion is much less than fun...
What more can I do?

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The Kill

You wanna know what?
This sucks.
I can't honestly express myself where and when I want due to my family being around...
Because, for some reason, I actually care what they think...
They don't even know about this blog...
This is pretty much my cry for help...
And you know what?
No one seems to read it.
I'm not pretty.
Not popular.
I'm pretty much invisible.
And I hate it.
I want someone to notice.
I want someone to genuinely care.
Not someone who is only around when THEY need ME.
Not someone who disappears when I need THEM.
I honestly don't know if anyone around me is willing to help me (besides my fiance, of course).
But it'd be nice to have friends who don't stab me in the back...
I try so hard to be strong for everyone when they need me...
But no one is there when I'm falling apart...
It hurts...
It really does...
I have no idea what to do...
I'm stuck in a rut...

Seriously, who even reads this...
I swear...
You know what?
Fuck it.
Why am I working my ass off to be noticed by people who don't seem to care?
If I just stop, then the ones who do care will show it and the ones who don't won't bother.
And if none of them make an effort, then I was definitely wrong in thinking that they were selfless...
I shouldn't have to bend over backwards to please everyone.
How is that fair if they don't return the favour?
How is it fair if they leave me alone when I'm begging for help?
How is it fair that I'm left to cry alone?
I thought people were better than this...
And I still cling to a tiny sliver of hope that they are...
But I'm so scared I'll be disappointed...
So please, to any of my friends who might even read this...
Please, if you do care, let me know...
You could text me first, ask me how I REALLY am when you see me, give me a random hug, whatever...
And if you don't...
Just go...
Don't play with my feelings...

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