Lonely Day

Have you ever been lonely?
So incredibly lonely that you feel like the world around you is a blur and that you are the only real person?
Well, that's how I feel...
And I know I shouldn't...
I know it's only been two days that he hasn't had his phone...
But in those two days, no one else seemed to have any time for me...
I'm there when they need me but when I need them, suddenly they have something better to do...
And that hurts...
The one person who pays me attention even when I'm being stupid can't talk...
And pretty much everyone else has shown their true colours...
I just need a friend...
I know I have two real friends...
And my true and best friend is also my fiancé...
But even they get busy or lose their phones or don't have a phone...
And everyone else who says "I'll be there for you" really isn't...
Sometimes, I jut wish everyone would be real and honest to me...
Just once, I wish they'd prove what sort of person they are...
I just need a friend...
Someone to talk to...
Otherwise I'm sitting alone, staring at my phone...
And being ignored...
I feel like the puppy no one wants to adopt...

:'( <3 :'(

Crawl

So.
I did a Vet Nursing course today.
At UCOL.
It was good.
I can now trim a dogs toenails, read its body language and check its general health.
Effectively.
But I'm lonely.
And running out of texts.
And I have no money.
My plan won't renew for another 8 days.
I might just have to buckle down.
And throw myself into my studies and the like.
Do some writing and drawing.
Exhaust myself completely so I don't have time to mope.
It sucks how I can multi task.
I can brood and be doing something completely different.
Stupid female mind...
And stupid memories...
Bleh.
I hardly slept last night.
I'm dead on my feet.
My SVT was acting up.
It seems to come hand in hand with sick tummy feelings.
Coz I can't spell the n word for it.
And having pork probably didn't help.
I'm not eating that again.
Its too fatty for my system to handle.
My depression gave me a good back hand this afternoon.
I don't feel myself.
I feel slow, tired, demotivated and sick.
I'm lacking energy.
I need a 'me' day.
Me.
Alone.
With chocolate.
And maybe with my darling Sonikfyre.
I'll be lucky to get a 'me' day, though.
I hardly get anytime alone with my angel...
Someone hit me over the head with a cricket bat.
ARGH!!!!
I just want to throw things and yell and scream and generally go mad.
Maybe hurt a few people who deserve it in the process.
Just...
Grrrr...
I'm sick in the head...
I really need to learn how to chill.
And get more sleep.
Lots more.
Yeah...

<3

Bury Me Where I Fall

So, I've been thinking a lot lately.
About life.
Death.
Whats beyond.
And all that mojo.
And you know what?
I'm scared.
I don't want to die.
I mean, my life has taken a huge turn for the better.
And I'm happy.
Really happy.
I have an amazing guy.
My marks are good.
And everything is ok.
But almost every night since I can remember, I've woken up.
And wondered.
Whats really out there?
What happens when I die?
What will I see?
What will I feel?
I'm, frankly, scared.
Its probably because I'm sick.
Glandular fever, cold, stomach issues...
Yeah.
But, I'm sure, in the end, it'll be fine.
Anywho, off that topic.
I want to write a song.
I really do.
A love song.
But a pretty one that isn't pop-ish and has some acoustic guitar and maybe piano.
I have the music in my heart.
But it won't get to my head.
And neither will what I want to say.
Lets face it, I can write a story, but when it comes to a song...
I never like it.
Oh well.
I'll give my best.
I'll put my heart into the music first.
And then, the lyrics may flow off that :)
Or thats how it goes in my head, anywho.

<3

Oh, p.s. From now on, my post titles will be song titles :)

Who Knew?

Stood on my straightener this morning.
It was on.
Heated up to it's highest setting.
Open.
I got my toes on my right foot right on it.
Ouch.
Blisters.
Hurts.
I can't walk without limping.
Oh well.
At least it was the end of the holiday.
Although I'll be going back to school with a rather sore foot.
Never again shall I leave my straightener on the floor to warm up.
I miss my Sonikfyre.
Lots.
It's lonely without him.
I have had a great time on the Gold Coast.
But I'm about ready to come home.
Home.
What a wonderful word.
So warm and happy.
I have no music on my iPod.
Wiped just before I left.
Grrrr...
Thank goodness for my mp3 player.
Life saver!
So I have some music.
Not the best music.
But still good.
So I'll live.
But I want my Sonikfyre.
I want cuddles.
I have this rather sappy image in my head.
Of arriving back home and seeing him there.
Waiting for me.
And I could run into his arms.
Yeah.
I'm a romantic.
But hey.
That's how I am.

<3

Anxious

I can't help it.
I worry and worry so much.
About nothing.
I drive myself crazy.
Make myself sick.
Stop myself sleeping.
I know I should be relaxing.
After all, that's what a holiday is for.
Right?
Yeah.
I'll try chill.
It's just...
Going away has brought my anxiety back full force.
I worry, I miss my special someone.
All I want is his arms around me.
So I can be safe.
Happy.
And I can finally stop worrying.
I don't know why I get so up tight.
I get so nervous and snappy.
I worry about time.
I turn into an utter wreck.
Especially if I'm late.
That really doesn't help.
My darling is the only thing keeping me sane.
He is the voice of reason in my head.
He calms the storm inside me.
He makes me feel safe.
Secure.
Loved.
He is the only person I trust completely and utterly.
He can read me like an open book.
But that doesn't bother me.
I like it.
When I say I'm fine, all I want is someone to look into my eyes, hug me and ask me whats wrong.
And he does that.
He is perfect.
Sonikfyre, I love you.
So much.
You're my guardian angel.
My light in the darkness.
My strength.
The love of my life.
I love you.

<3

I&apos;m Still Here

This?
This is my song.
The Goo Goo Dolls secretly know me and wrote it for me.


I'm Still Here - The Goo Goo Dolls

I am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard
Or a moment that's held in your arms
And what do you think you'd ever say?
I won't listen anyway
You don't know me
And I'll never be what you want me to be
And what do you think you'd understand?
I'm a boy, no, I'm a man
You can't take me and throw me away
And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own
They don't know me
Cause I'm not here

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
Cause I'm not here

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted I could be
Now you know me and I'm not afraid
And I want to tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am
And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
They can't see me
But I'm still here

They can't tell me who to be
Cause I'm not what they see
Yeah, the world is still sleepin'
While I keep on dreamin' for me
And their words are just whispers and lies
That I'll never believe

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can they say i'll never change?
They're the ones that stay the same
I'm the one now
'Cause I'm still here
I'm the one now
Cause I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here

It's a brilliant song.
I can relate to it so perfectly.
And I'm so listening to it 2013 :)
Yeah, I'll still be here.
I have a reason to live, so nothing can take me down.
Nothing.

<3

P.S. For the music video and everything, heres a youtube link :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A6uLPBwouw

Sickness

So I'm sick.
Yup, fantastic.
Brilliant.
Hopefully it goes no further than a strep throat.
Glandular fever would be rather inconvinient.
Especially now.
With school.
And with a big trip coming up.
I mean, seriously.
It's just not fair.
Thank God for modern wonder-drugs.
Penicillin.
Hell yeah.
All I want is a good nights sleep.
Something tells me I'm in for another night of fevered dreams.
Fantastic.
They just get so weird.
For example, a talking giraffe.
Really?
Yeah, a bit odd.
But hey, thats how it is.
An hour of good, proper sleep.
And nothing else but weird dozing dreams.
Ah well.
Never mind.
I'm hungry.
Food sounds good.
Sadly, I can't eat for two hours because of this medication.
Must be taken on an empty stomach.
Lame.
I hate it.
The only thing thats worth it is that it won't get in the way of me getting piercings.
So I can get my tongue done :)
SWEET!!
My lovely boyfriend will be coming with me and getting his done too.
I'd be too scared without him.
Yeah, I'm clingy.
And sappy.
But I love him.
So much.
He makes my life so fantastic.

<3

Just Another Day in the Life...

Spagetti.
Yup.
Tasty, right?
This stuff is massive.
It actually looks like albino worms in tomato sauce.
So weird...
Today was another day of the same old school.
Same old class.
Dull boringness, as can be expected.
But tonight will be much fun.
Movie night at youth.
I get to see my lovely boyfriend :)
And he's going to give me my first game of Magic.
Yes, Magic.
I am, secretly, a geek.
I'm geeky and I know it.
But yeah.
He is so wonderful and patient.
I'm so lucky to have a boyfriend like him.
I love you baby :)
Yes, I know you'll read this.
Because you are fantastic.
Anywho.
My spagetti.
Nummy.
Best after school snack ever.
Ever.
Like, legit.

<3

The Beginning

So, I thought I'd give this a try...

No harm trying, right?

It's like an online diary.

Really? Journal.

Not a diary.

Too girly.

So an online journal.

It's decided.

Yup.

So...

You know, school.

Lame.

Total "Z" time.

Uni lectures will be worse...

But I guess thats what comes with wanting to be a Vet and all.

I have interesting teachers.

Seriously, someone shook that bag and tipped out the first five and gave them to me.

But they are there to teach me so I will listen and be taught.

For now.

Heh...

I really need to get to bed earlier.

I mean, I can't get up later for school.

That wouldn't work.

At all.

I need an hour and a half.

Yup, that long.

I AM a girl.

And thats how it is.

Yeah.

I have a boyfriend.

He's pretty damned amazing.

I won't lie.

You'll be hard pressed to find a better one.

Trust me, he's perfect.

And he's mine :)

All mine.

And I'm his :)

Be jealous, world.

Be very jealous.

<3