The Kill

You wanna know what?
This sucks.
I can't honestly express myself where and when I want due to my family being around...
Because, for some reason, I actually care what they think...
They don't even know about this blog...
This is pretty much my cry for help...
And you know what?
No one seems to read it.
I'm not pretty.
Not popular.
I'm pretty much invisible.
And I hate it.
I want someone to notice.
I want someone to genuinely care.
Not someone who is only around when THEY need ME.
Not someone who disappears when I need THEM.
I honestly don't know if anyone around me is willing to help me (besides my fiance, of course).
But it'd be nice to have friends who don't stab me in the back...
I try so hard to be strong for everyone when they need me...
But no one is there when I'm falling apart...
It hurts...
It really does...
I have no idea what to do...
I'm stuck in a rut...

Seriously, who even reads this...
I swear...
You know what?
Fuck it.
Why am I working my ass off to be noticed by people who don't seem to care?
If I just stop, then the ones who do care will show it and the ones who don't won't bother.
And if none of them make an effort, then I was definitely wrong in thinking that they were selfless...
I shouldn't have to bend over backwards to please everyone.
How is that fair if they don't return the favour?
How is it fair if they leave me alone when I'm begging for help?
How is it fair that I'm left to cry alone?
I thought people were better than this...
And I still cling to a tiny sliver of hope that they are...
But I'm so scared I'll be disappointed...
So please, to any of my friends who might even read this...
Please, if you do care, let me know...
You could text me first, ask me how I REALLY am when you see me, give me a random hug, whatever...
And if you don't...
Just go...
Don't play with my feelings...

</3

What Hurts The Most

I'd forgotten this feeling.
That horrid, raw feeling of a crush.
Hurts like bloody hell.
Like being rubbed the wrong way with sandpaper.
Not that there's a right way.
Heh...
You might be thinking "dude, aren't you engaged?! That's not cool..."
I don't understand either.
I feel horrible.
I feel sore, sick and like I'm being dragged over gravel.
I hurt and I want it to stop.
I pretty sure this crush won't work out.
It wouldn't even under different circumstances.
That moment when you don't feel good enough for anyone...
I honestly hate this feeling...
I don't know how to deal with it...
Because it's almost always ended up in pain...
Last crush I had like this was a while ago...
And I kinda got it thrown back in my face...
Plus, I feel like I'm bothering them just by talking to them...
I'd be happy with staying friends, the feelings will fade, but I hate feeling like I'm bothering anyone...
It robs me of my courage to even talk to them at all...
Because I value everyone's happiness over mine...
God, I whine too much...
Screw it...
I'll stop when I don't feel so confused that I'll be sick...

</3

Why?

This is pretty much gonna be my only post that isn't song titled.
Mostly because this is a RAGE.
Know why?
You can tell how your year will go by how it starts.
And I've just found out that my work hours have been cut.
Joyful.
Not like I NEED MONEY OR ANYTHING.
And I feel horrid.
Like I'm stuck under water.
I can't breathe or think.
I just want to sleep.
I mean, the only reasons I get up is because I have to either work or my fiance wants to spend time with me.
I am trying so hard to stay strong but honestly I feel like I'm breaking apart.
And the cracks are showing.
I don't know how much longer I can hold it all in before I breakdown...
I'm losing it...
And yet no one seems to notice...
I don't want this year...
I really don't...
I don't want the one year anniversary of my uncles death to happen...
Nor the one year anniversary of my work mates passing...
Or me failing to make it through my paper...
Or any of that...
I wish I could avoid this year, but I can't...
I really want to talk to someone, but I hate to burden anyone...
I don't like to bother anyone...
But I can't do this anymore...
I thought that ignoring it would mean I could carry one...
But I can't...
I'm too depressed...
And I don't know what to do...
I don't want the world to see me...
I don't know if they'd understand...
I'm falling to pieces...

</3