45

This is bad.
I'm having daily panic attacks.
I feel on edge constantly.
I shake almost non stop with pent up anxiety.
How the hell am I supposed to survive another five years?
I'm gonna break into pieces.
I want help.
I want people to talk to me and treat me normal and accept the fact that I suck at talking but it doesn't mean I want to be alone...
Or ignored...
Or forgotten...
I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of a gun.
I'm terrified of anything going wrong.
God, I get nervous even considering it...
I really don't know what to do.
What do I do?
I really just want to talk to people and have friends and laugh and hang out and shit.
But I can't cause I'm terrified of everything.
And I feel like I'm not noticed.
I feel like I'm in the background.
Please, I just want to be included...
Accepted...
I know I'm not popular, I'm not "pretty", I'm not anything...
But I care.
And I'm loyal to a fault.
I would do anything for anyone I call a friend.
Even if they wouldn't.
I like seeing people happy, I like to make someone smile.
I care.
I do.
I promise I do.

<3

Headspin

I'm feeling nostalgic.
I'm also wondering why my life isn't simpler.
Heh...
I miss simpler decisions.
I miss how laughter came without hesitation.
I miss how making friends was as easy as saying hi.
How problems could be solved with a sorry and a smile.
Why must we complicate things?
Why is life complicated?
I have so many questions that will go unanswered, so many feelings that will go unknown, opinions that won't be heard.
I want to go back to when I didn't have questions.
When everything was a mystery and I couldn't care less.
But now I have stuff to sort out, straighten out.
Why do feelings have to hurt?
Why do you make my head spin?
You don't know it and you never will, but you make my head spin.
It'd be some much easier if I hadn't felt anything in the first place.
It was a mistake.
Coz, like I'd thought, I got confused and it hurt.
Confusion hurts.
It makes me ache.
I need certainty.
I want to tell you in person, for some reason.
But I can't.
I'm too anxious about doing that.
So I'm pretty much dragging myself over it.
I know I'll get there and this will one day be a distant memory.
But I wish that one day was now.
Why can't I make up my goddamn mind...
About telling you...
So I can get it off my chest...
I don't expect anything out of it except closure for me...
It'd be so much easier to toss aside...
But my wall gets in the way...
This is all making my head spin.

<3